#ICannotBelieveISaidThat Spotlight

humor

Since hearing about word vomit on Mean Girls in my tweenage years, I did not realize how much of thing this was until recently moving to Pennsylvania countryside, where I know no one except my mother, father, two baby brothers and dog. No wing friend to rein me in has meant major uh oh word vomit no-nos.

I drove 1,575 miles over the course of two days home to Amish territory from Austin, TX. This was post twenty-hour break up (yes it actually lasted that long, and we needed to break for dinner, The Voice and sleep) from my double-dealing-old-assed-vain -balless-wonder-nightmare of a boyfriend (if I am allowed to call him that, it is a lot of pressure after only eight months of dating). Upon departing for my road trip, Sir Performs-A-Lot, decided, crying, desperate, he wanted me “to stay in Austin even though he didn’t want to be with me… he wanted me around just in case his feelings change.” He found my last nerve, and smashed it. (There are lots of other reasons I was back and forth about going home. For a fuller story see To Infinity And Beyond).

A week later, and I was happily settling in at home. He had checked in a few times because he suddenly cared about my well-being and safety. For whatever reason, this feeling of “awww he cares!” began to overwhelm the “what a lousy self-centered jerk” thoughts I had been feeling over the last month. Trying swallowing these feelings did not go over well.

He called before going out that night. “Hey Jilly! How’ve you been??” My guts twisting, missing him… loved the way he called me Jilly, “Yeah alright… happy to be home.” Then, came the monsoon of an idea that washed though me too fast to rein in. It hurled out my mouth, through the telephone and into his ear, “I want to know what you think of flying up here and driving me back down to Texas next weekend.”

He started to drown in my word vomit. I could not get a word in. “How could I THINK such a thing so soon!?!? Its only been a week! There’s been no time to enjoy being single, Jilly!!” Really I had no clue what had come over me. I was dumbfounded with myself. I didn’t want to leave home and go back to Texas?! Let alone spend another moment with this punk-a$$ed-m-f-er. I had just pawned off my entire apartment, settled into my home state and met a cute boy. I couldn’t believe I asked him to fly across the country to bring me back right after I said it, and two weeks later I am still in disbelief.

The call was lost (giving him benefit of the doubt). I called back three times. No answer. All I wanted to do was take it back!

#ICannotBelieveISaidThat

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Textrauma

Boys, chat, funny, help, humor, news, text, tips

Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Sometimes it seems that we speak completely separate languages. Below are a few of my favorite bad texts that I have actually received from the boys in my life, and ways that these texts could have been written to have been at least better received.

  1. “Don’t worry! I haven’t forgotten about ya!” Two weeks post-date and day after matching on Tinder. Can one think anything besides – playyerrrrr! when reading this?

How about, Sir Lady Slayer, “Sorry we haven’t been in touch, thinking about you, how about we get together for another date soon?” Because even if you are a lady killer, you can at least try to be a little charming about it.

  1. Sorry I missed your call earlier!” … Two days post-call. Late night on Christmas Eve. No other sentiments. If we weren’t arguing before, we are arguing now.

Alright, Mr. Grinch. Lets try, “Merry Christmas! Sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner. Will call ASAP. XO” A seemingly genuine XO thrown in there will always help to save the day.

  1. “Ok. Was with someone last night and unsure how to proceed given circumstances and recent experience with you.” From recent ex-boyfriend. I had to read this twice and pray it was a joke. It wasn’t.

Hey a$$hole! A simple “F@&K you, lady! I want you to eat sh*t and die” would have gotten the message across that you would like me to feel hurt without the deep emotional blow. What? You’d like dating advice? How about – try not to be such a pretentious d*ck. (There was no response to his text due to what felt like a de-habilitating brain hemorrhage post-reading… probably for the best).

To be continued… #TT

I Don’t Wanna Be A Tinderella

Boys, chat, dating, experiment, humor, online, tinder

I’ve been itching to see what all of this Tinder talk is about. Swipe left. Swipe Right. Moments. Taglines. Matching. Tinder is an entirely different world…. So is Pennsyltucky (relative to everywhere else I have been). Combining the two in this app has certainly not been a boring 48hr experiment.

You’d think after presumably bountiful attempts to pick up women on Tinder, he would have a clue as to what might work, and what doesn’t. Am I missing some sort of bad sexual innuendo? Is Mr. Seafood just being straightforward about solely wanting a Tinder date? I will never know… evidentially you can “unmatch.”

tinder1

Others are just soooooo cheesy. Just so you know, Mr. Simon Cowell Wanna Be, its a ten to you. And I would never date a one.

tinder2

This guy just needs to crawl out from his rock. Good, bad, or ugly year for the Texas Longhorns, they are champions at heart. Jerk.

tinder3

I was also pleased to find the occasional super friendly Pennsyltuckyian Tinderer particularly cheerful to a stranger on Monday morning.

tinder4

BREAKING BreAD

bread, diet, food, health, humor

I am starting a diet tomorrow. So naturally, today I make two giant, fresh, perfectly-dense loaves of plain white bread with my mother, thaw a stick of salted butter, fix us each a cup of tea, and start brainstorming the changes that are to be made in my diet… starting tomorrow. One loaf of warm buttery heaven later, and all I have decided is that I wish whoever was Dr. Atkins’ spokesperson was wildly less successful. All diet science aside; bread is truly amazing. I would’ve loved to be the founder of bread.

The only ingredients one needs to make bread are flour, water, yeast and salt. These few simple holistic elements interact in complex ways to produce this warm fluffy ecstasy. Ingenious.

Bread pairs flawlessly with any other food choice. (In the dough, on the bread, between pieces of bread, or stuffed into the bread). Bread can be easily adjusted to suit any palate. It can sweet, crunchy, savory, fluffy, dense, nutty, chewy… the possibilities are endless! Even when it is not supposed to be good anymore you can turn stale bread into croutons or crackers.

If you want to gauge your level of intimacy or compatibility with a significant other or friend, bake it or buy it, but definitely break the bread together. That instant insulin spike and energy felt after any blissful encounter with bread always yields instant joy and focus.

Here is the link that my mother and I use to make bread: http://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/king-arthurs-classic-white-sandwich-bread-recipe